Ask Mr. Machismo

Ever wonder why men do the things they do? Ask Mr. Machismo—he's a man!

moonface, by Therianthrope

Dear Mr. Machismo:

Why do men tend to view crying and emotional pathetic-ism as some proof of deep feeling? Why not clear eyed solid competent emotion-management? Why would that be any less an expression of real love? Or even real PASSION? Not that I'm against crying and stuff. It's just, why don't women get any points for being brave? Or—more to the point—why don't women get LAID for being brave?

Big Girl

Dear Big Girl,

It does cut both ways, though. When men cry in front of their significant others, they TOTALLY get laid for it. It's a sign of sensitivity and hence sexual attractiveness.

(Sensitive men, after all, have a 43.7% higher chance of knowing where the clitoris is.)

Men who get laid a lot know how to turn on the tears.

Death to the Patriarchy,
Malachite Moonchild

Dear Mr. Machismo:

Why do hetero men assume that every gay guy would want them?

Not Seeing It, Personally

Dear Personally,

Clearly, all gay men think of is sex. Clearly, all hetero men are mad studmuffins of sexual ooziness, even the ones with long wisps of hair covering the bald spot and the stained shirts not quite covering the beer belly. Therefore, all gay men have a burning uncontrollable desire for all heterosexual men.

Except, of course, for those who have a burning desire to take heterosexual men shopping.

(It may be useful to note that gay men have a 15.3% higher chance of knowing where the clitoris is than heterosexual men. Although they are more prone to whining about the whole area being moist and icky. You pays your money and you takes your chances.)

Death to the Patriarchy,
Malachite Moonchild

Dear Mr. Machismo:

Why don't men sit down to pee?  Why stand when you could sit?  I'm not talking about in dirty roadside restrooms, but in the comfort of your own home...why not get off the ol' dogs and relax with a magazine?

Lazy in Ithaca

Dear Lazy,

Actually, some men do sit down to pee. These guys range from feminine or pee-shy types to uber-macho "I've got a Prince Albert so I have to sit or else the piss sprays everywhere" types.

As for the rest, well, the magazines are for when you need to attend to other bodily functions that cannot be done standing. Perhaps men take such relish in these functions that sitting to pee as well would just be a surfeit of pleasure.

Character is built from self-denial.

(On a side note: for women and other folks without dicks: Speaking of those nasty public toilets, the key to peeing standing up is a simple piece of equipment known as a baby's medicine spoon. Buy one for about 3 bucks from a drugstore, and then drill a hole in the end of the spoon. This gives you a tube with one spoon-shaped end. Hold the spoon against your body so that it cups under your urethra and the tube is pointing away from you. With practice, you will be able to pee from the spoon and aim creditably into the toilet. Surprisingly, the aim is not the difficult part. The difficult part is learning to let your muscles relax while you are standing up. When practicing, drink lots of water or beer.

Nevertheless, you might want to start off entirely naked, perhaps in the shower, in case of mishap.)

Death to the Patriarchy,
Malachite Moonchild

Dear Mr. Machismo:

What is that weird smell that some men have? The one that's kind of moldy, musty, and shitty all at once? I'm assuming it's a male thing because about 3-5% of the men that I pass in the street or in the office have it, but I've only smelled it on 2 women. It's not sweat or dirt, because the men that have it usually seem clean. Is it some kind of perfume—uhh, I mean COLOGNE—to which I have a genetic intolerance, like the people who think cilantro tastes bitter and soapy? Or are these guys all mushroom farmers or something?

Sniffing Around

Dear Sniffing,

Ah, yes, that is the smell of testosterone. In my youth, I once dated a boy who, no matter how often he showered, smelled of milk (not spoiled, thank the goddess) and testosterone. (You may have a genetic intolerance to eau de testosterone—after all, these 3-5% of musty and shitty guys probably do get some, and I doubt that 3-5% of the people in the world have nonfunctioning senses of smell.)

Alternatively, these men may have recently been engaging in anal sex and just haven't had the chance to shower off yet.

Death to the Patriarchy,
Malachite Moonchild

Dear Mr. Machismo:

Why do American men, no matter how tiny, always take up 3 seats on the bus? I really don't think they are all so hung they need a 3 foot wide knee spread. Also, is there any way to get them to take up only 2 seats?

Tired of Standing

Dear Tired,

It has less to do with being hung and more to do with the great American tradition of pioneering.

In years past, when the United States didn't stretch quite from coast to coast, white men in the US were able to vent their territoriality and aggression by chopping down forests, murdering the people who were already living in these uninhabited wildernesses, and trying to set up farms that were doomed from the start because the climates could not support the crops they insisted on planting.

Nowadays, when even those farms have been replaced by roads and strip malls, the American male has little output for his red-blooded, XY-chromosome-granted, go-get-em-cowboy explorer spirit.

As the world has grown smaller, so have our ambitions. Instead of taming the trackless wilderness, we content ourselves with claiming our own little piece of the American Dream. Those 3 seats on the bus are all we have left of our forefathers' dreams.

Intrude at your own risk.

Death to the Patriarchy,
Malachite Moonchild

RedFeather, by

Gifted by hippy parents with a stupid name, Mr. Moonchild has spent his life in pursuit of sufficient machismo. He has, among other things, run the New York City Marathon in an August heatwave; eaten an entire cup of nasty cheez sauce; climbed Mount Everest while wearing nothing but leather chaps; and taught middle school.

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