How to Lose Weight and Win Love

Have you tried everything to be beautiful and win the hottie of your dreams?

• Working out — too hard!
• Slim-Fast — tastes terrible!!
• Diet pills — only give you the runs!!!
• Fighting the fascist patriarchal media and learning to love your body the way it is — yeah, like that one ever works.

Want the diet secret that models use? Well, in one word, it's "heroin." In two, it's "throwing up."

But we can do you one better! In THREE words, here's the easy plan to a slim, attractive figure:

The Beer Diet

It's simple! The first thing you do is, you skip lunch. The second thing is, you skip dinner...BUT! Here's the secret! You drink beer until you pass out! That way, you aren't bothered any more about the fact that you're starving to death and your body has begun devouring itself, breaking down your own blood and sinew and brain matter into its basic sustenance-providing building blocks.

This diet is guaranteed to work wonders, girls.

Now, I hear you saying to yourself: "I thought beer had calories?!" And that's absolutely true. But new research shows that beer is also slimming! How can both these facts be correct? Well, in scientific terms, beer is not "food." Only "food" can actually make you fat. (Heroin is also not food. Just FYI.)

C'mon, try it for a month.

Okay, now that you're drunk and skinny, let's move on to that "winning the hottie of your dreams" part. Once again, the truth about this subject has too long been shrouded in myths and disinformation. Think about it: what are the possible options?

• You love somebody who doesn't love you — Bummer.
• Somebody loves you, but you don't love them — Too bad, so sad.
• You don't love anybody and nobody loves you — Third verse, same as the first.
• Somebody loves you and you love them, but they painted your phone number in the restroom of the local biker bar, ran off to Tokyo with an old flame, and had to pay for your little sister to get an abortion.

And that pretty much covers it, right?

So how can you get the person you love to be faithful forever, to the gates of hell and beyond? To have eyes that see nothing but your face, ears that hear nothing but your voice? To care for nothing but your deathless passion?

There is a secret to this kind of happiness, and it is...

(drum roll, please)

Voo-Doo

Now I hear you saying: I've tried magic already! I bought the Llewellyn calendar and I burnt a white candle to Aphrodite and scattered rose petals into my bathwater, just like it said, and she still went muff diving with my best friend!

Well kiddo, that's because you're a sucker. You weren't practicing spellcraft...you were just praying. Praying won't get you into much trouble, but it doesn't get the big results, now does it?

Now this...THIS is a spell. You'll need:

• a white candle
• rose petals
• a consecrated circle
• an athame
• a ritual drum or rattle
• the neurotoxin from a pufferfish
• the freshly slaughtered corpse of your beloved

And here's what you do:

Firstly, make sure you've injected the neurotoxin into your beloved. If possible, it's actually best to do this before your lover has died. The pufferfish poison will take care of the dying part all on its own, so it's just more efficient this way: and you don't want your eternal lover to have nasty stab wounds or anything.

Note: If you are buying your ingredients from a catalog or store rather than harvesting your own ingredients, make sure that you get good fresh pufferfish toxin. You're specifically looking for tetrodotoxin.

Next, gather all the ingredients within the circle. You'll want to bang the drum and shake the rattle a bit in order to attract the loa. When you sense you've attracted the attention of the spirit world, call out: "Beautiful Ayida, make the gate! Beautiful Ayida, open the gate!" It's best if you can do this in Haitian, but most of the loa have learned English by now.

When you sense that the spirit world is paying attention, grind up the rose petals in your hand and rub them all over the candle. The sexual symbolism in this act is obvious, so concentrate on that energy. Get worked up about it. Imagine making love to your hottie, rubbing your rose-scented essence all over their hot fiery core. Tell the spirits how you are feeling. Tell them about your desire, the irresistible intensity of your passion.

Then take your athame and cut the candle in two. This symbolizes the pain of separation. You will now use your magic to command that the wound be healed.

Cry out now to Damballah, the serpent loa. Command him to return your beloved to you. Be real serious about this part. Dance, cry, tear your hear, go wild. Don't be silent, or Damballah will stop listening.

When you feel a rush of electricity flow over you, your spell has worked. Your beloved is returning as a zombie: now you have to make sure that the zombie is under your command. Go quickly to the corpse and force one half of the candle into its mouth. Keep the other half. From now on, these sticks of wax are the amulets that bind the two of you together. (The zombie doesn't have to keep sucking, either. You probably have other uses for its mouth. It just needs to keep the amulet somewhere on its, uh, person.)

Say, "Arise, beloved!" Or something like that. "Hey there, yummy britches!" will work too, if you want to know the truth. Anyway, be assured that your zombie lover will be utterly devoted to you. It will pay no attention to anything but your desires.

And hey! You're now a drunken, homicidal voodoo priest, and probably a pretty interesting person in your own right. Drop us a line and let us know how it all works out.

The Frisco Kid is generally to be found all likkered up and spoiling for a fight. She's a sexy Wild West gunslinger in the great tradition of Annie Oakley and Calamity Jane, only a little less with the sharpshooting and a little more with the booze-fueled marathons of Star Trek and sodomy.

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